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On Transitions, Pain, and Saving the World Happy New Year! Welcome to the next transition. As we move from 2024-2025, as the days increase in length and the weather grows colder (depending on where you live), we are confronted repeatedly by the specter of transition. It is easy to miss how much transitions affect us. We may be relieved to be back at work or school, but even welcome transitions create stress on any organism. If you or your kids are feeling crabby or unsettled, just remembering that we are in transition can help us to find ways of coping more effectively., Transitions occur on micro and macro levels. We transition from being asleep to being awake; from one activity to another; from one class to another; from school to home; from the week to the weekend; from school to break; from one grading period to another; from the school year to summer; from one school to another; from one relationship to another. All of these transitions require different types of adjustments. Just because a transition seems small, like moving from one class to another, does not mean it feels that way. Smooth transitions require executive functioning skill, which do not always develop in a linear way. But beyond more typical transitions, our world seems to be transforming at a breakneck speed. These global changes have become more visible as we actually feel the effects of global warming ,over-population, and endless wars, which are live-streamed on devices we hold in our hands. Regardless of who you are or what your political bent it’s hard to deny that the world is wobbling precariously on its axis. The effects of Covid and the lockdowns are still felt. The U.S. and Israel continue to raze Gaza as conflict spreads rapidly throughout the Middle East. Ukrainians and Russians are dying in a ruthless and unwinnable war. Homelessness is up. Economic uncertainty is a reality for many of us. Mass shootings are occurring on an average of more than one a day. More and more, the warnings from dystopian novels and films become realities. We are on camera a good part of the day, and most of the time we don’t know it. Cars drive themselves. And speaking of cars, those cyber-trucks that look like tanks from a futuristic sci-fi movie are reproducing like rabbits. Transitions occur on individual, family, national, and international levels, and we all feel these changes whether or not we are aware of them. These realities sneak into our minds and bodies and create anxiety that we unknowingly and unwillingly can pass on to our kids and those around us. And, of course, kids pass on a lot of anxiety to adults as well. I know, I know - great way to start off the new year, but to quote Shakespeare, “As good to chide the waves as speak them fair.” In other words, denying reality will only put us in greater danger. So where is the hope? Well, the hope, I believe, lies in becoming more aware of reality, even though it can be ugly. It all begins with paying attention. In his book On Becoming a Person , Carl Rogers emphasized the importance of listening at a very deep level. To paraphrase, he said that people seldom do this, because if we really hear one another, we might realize we have to change, and change is terrifying to the human brain. But it stands to reason that standing still can be just as terrifying. As difficult as transitions can be, the word itself is a synonym for change. The more aware we are of what is happening within ourselves, the lives of others, and the wider world, the more we can cope with transition and the more likely we are to make changes, incrementally or precipitously, and on a micro and macro level, that promote love, joy, and hope, rather than violence, hate, and ignorance. Transitions can be good, bad, or neutral in terms of how they affect us; but where there is the possibility of change, there is the possibility of change for the better. And as we become more aware of reality through our attentiveness, we become more capable of creating conditions that allow ourselves and the world around us to change. In doing so, we can invest the energy of our hearts and minds more fully into what really matters: the beauty of nature, the power of relationship, and the wonders of the universe over consumerism, superiority, and domination. Photo by G. Lady from Pixabay

“Windstorm in Bubbleland”: When Gifted Kids Upset the Social Order by Kristin Cotts Gifted Kids Can Be Annoying Gifted children can be disruptive in the classroom and annoy their teachers and peers in many different ways. One of the most common complaints we hear from parents in our practice is that their child is disruptive because the work is too easy and they are bored. They don’t have enough to stimulate their minds, so they get into mischief. Other gifted children are disruptive regardless of the difficulty or ease of the work due to issues with regulation. Still others are disruptive out of frustration over not being able to demonstrate what they know. These are all just different manifestations of the same root problem. The gifted-child-is-disruptive-problem that interests me most was described in a 2008 study about how teachers subconsciously have a negative affect toward gifted children due to concerns around “the potential use of high intelligence toward social noncompliance” (Geake and Gross, 2008). In [early human] society where language was beginning to evolve…an individual with marked superiority in intelligence could have a superior understanding of the various relationships between members of the group and could thus be regarded as having the potential to affect, manipulate, exploit, or even distort the group’s social relationships (Geake, 2000) The individual who even seemed to show the potential to develop such powers could be viewed as a threat to the group. If so, then it could be in the group’s self-interest to cut such a precocious tall poppy down to size” (Geake and Gross, 2008). Geake and Gross posit that teachers and other students have a negative attitude toward academically gifted students due to an evolutionary social defense mechanism to protect the social order from those who might be able to dismantle it. Certainly, this kind of disruption can be problematic if it disrupts learning, but if a group of people do in fact have bias against neurodivergent children, then it’s clear that the social order needs to be challenged in that group. Fred Rogers and the Windstorm History, literature, and film are full of gifted truth-tellers, who are banished or otherwise punished. Elphaba in Wicked is the most contemporary example of this. According to the musical, the Wicked Witch of the West was actually a misunderstood animal rights activist with great power. One of my favorite gifted-truth tellers who upset the social order is Hildegarde Hummingbird. She shows up in what some might consider an unlikely place: an episode of Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood from 1980 called Windstorm in Bubbleland. In addition to being a master of understanding child development, Fred Rogers was a composer and pianist. He wrote some operas for his children’s show using the immense talent of some of his neighbors in the cast. He was also, as we shall see, a semi-secret social activist. Windstorm in Bubbleland takes place in a utopia full of bubbles that glimmer and shimmer and float around for all to enjoy. “There is never any trouble here in Bubbleland,” Jim Reardon sings, looking like a cable news anchor, when cable news was just a glint in Rupert Murdoch’s eye. His newscast is sponsored by Spray Sweater, an aerosol in a canthat the company claims has the power to spray a sweater into existence “to protect your bubbles or to just wear.” Betty of Betty’s Better Sweaters (Betty Aberlin) points out that it’s a fraud, that sweaters must be knitted with skill and care, and that the cans are filled with only air. At this point the Lady Elaine puppet, playing the part of Hildegarde Hummingbird, flies in to announce that their bubbles are going to be blown away due to the overuse of the aerosol cans of Spray-Sweater, which is starting to create strong winds. When Hildegard tells the other characters that trouble is coming to Bubbleland, they dismiss her as alarmist. “But I’m just doing my job!” cries Hildegard, “Why won’t you believe me?” The three humans (actually two humans and one porpoise) line up and shout in unison, “Because we don’t want to!” Well, it turns out that the diabolical CEO behind Spray Sweater, named W.I. Norton Donovan (W.I.N.D) is the wind itself. He is very proud of the apparent success of his plan to blow the bubbles around while also making a lot of money selling Spray Sweater. He then transforms from business man into the wind, donning a long, shimmering cape and sprouting what looks like tinsel on his eyebrows and mustache. With an evil laugh, he threatens to finally send the bubbles flying out of Bubbleland. The humans and porpoise, played by opera star François Clemens in a bizarre porpoise suit with a giant zipper, realize that Hildegarde was right. They ask her for help, and she tells them that Bubbleland is not about the bubbles; it’s about the people who live there. She says: “You can blow more bubbles, but you can’t blow another you.” She agrees to help them and tells them to build a wall on the edge of the ocean. In a stroke of genius and intense skill, the also gifted Betty of Betty’s Better Sweater’s speed knits a net to enclose and stabilize a pile of crates, which act as a bulwark against the wind. But it is not enough. The wind hovers dangerously on the edge of the shore as the bubbles dance wildly. Hildegarde flies directly into the wind, driving the W.I.N.D. away. She is knocked unconscious and feared dead. The rest of the cast sings a lament. She wakes up, and the friends apologize. The final line of the opera is, “There will never be a trouble here in bubble land that we, good friends together, cannot end.” Transcending Victimhood In the context of child development and particularly the asynchronous development we see in gifted children, Windstorm in Bubbleland is a perfect parable for the non-normative person disrupting the social order. If we look at what HIldegarde Hummingbird has to go through to be true to herself, we can see parallels to the struggle and pain of a child who has the capacity to disrupt the social order for the better. Hildegarde has the gift of flight and the gift of being able to confront a hard reality (the disruption of bubbles) that others are unable to accept. They cannot fly to other places to see what is happening to the bubbles (though it seems like the porpoise should be able to swim there - I think that’s a plot hole). When they don’t believe her warnings, she self-isolates and feels misunderstood. She gives them another chance, and then when she saves the day, they accept her. It’s important not to look at Hildegarde as a victim dependent on others “believing her” and “understanding her.” In reality, her pain and struggle do not come from being rejected. The rejection is very real, but it is a symptom. Her fundamental problem is that she is not able to use her gifts to help others. Hidelgarde’s reward is not acceptance by the others. Her reward is the freedom to be able to use her gifts to contribute to the well-being of others. Developing friendships co-occurs with that process, but acceptance and friends need to be congruent with self to be meaningful. Accomplices in Disruption I believe that parents, educators, and counselors have an obligation to support a child’s disruption of the social order, which, by the way, is not the same as disrupting the classroom or the family. We can support them to develop social, emotional, and intellectual awareness so they they can develop skills in a way that fits them This process also requires the development of moral reasoning, because all social order disruptions are not created equal. If we simply focus on helping a child feel better about being different, we risk reinforcing their isolation. On the other hand, if we give them opportunities to learn how to both use their gifts and integrate into society, this complex and arduous journey can lead to an ability to activate potential and connect to others, creating change in the various systems and institutions along the way. Fred Rogers Was a Gentle Radical Fred Rogers was ahead of his time. His gentle demeanor masked a radical rebelliousness against the greed and self-absorption of modern society. More than thirty years before Occupy Wall Street brought the concept of corporate control to the forefront, he created a children’s opera about an environmental crisis, a deceptive news organization, and a greedy corporate boss. As an educational tool, Windstorm in Bubbleland is a shining example of how to combine social, emotional, and cognitive development with moral development and political awareness. In doing so, the opera underlines the importance of having a sense of meaning. Hildegarde, like the other denizens of Bubbleland, has a purpose. In the case of gifted learners, the purpose may manifest in a more extreme way than the normative, but purpose is the beginning, end, and in-between of supporting any learner. Just One More Thing… While I understand the purpose of having the brilliant François Clemens in the opera, I don’t see why he had to wear that horrible porpoise costume. I don’t understand the purpose of the porpoise. But then again, I’m not the one who needs to. The porpoise determines his own purpose. References Geake, J. G., & Gross, M. U. (2008). Teachers’ negative affect toward academically gifted students. Gifted Child Quarterly, 52(3), 217–231. https://doi.org/10.1177/0016986208319704 Rogers, F. (1980, May 23). Making an Opera; Windstorm in Bubbleland. Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood. Season 10. Episode 15. Pittsburgh, PA; WQED. Way Home Studio Image by wayhomestudio on Freepik The body content of your post goes here. 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Eff on Effort Grading on Effort Grading students on effort has long been a way of rewarding them for how hard they try rather than how well they understand the material. It’s a way of compensating kids who may be behind on developing a certain skill or body of knowledge. Even if they aren’t the most capable student, they can still get a good grade and validation of their worth as a student. It also ostensibly gives them an incentive to try their best. But how can we really know if a student is trying? Answer: We can’t. While the intention behind giving a grade for effort is to hold students accountable and reward their desire to do well, “effort” in and of itself is a complex concept that cannot be divorced from the child’s perception of what is important, from their developmental skills, or from their emotional and physiological state. What Effort Grades Miss Consider a bright middle school student named Jordan who seems to be underachieving. She walks into class toward the end of a long day, where she is given a writing assignment and told her grade will be based on effort. She just has to work on it for twenty minutes to get a perfect grade; she doesn’t have to complete it. Jordan, who has severe processing and executive functioning issues, cannot get started. The teacher says kindly, “Do you need some help?” The child may not be able to process the question, or she may not be able to accept help. “No,” she says. The teacher says, “Okay, you get started and I’ll come back to check on you.” Jordan does not even attempt to start. The teacher comes back to check on her, and she has nothing to show. “Can I help you?” she asks again. “How about if you just write down one sentence?” “No!” Jordan shouts and puts her head down. She is intractable. What can the teacher do except not give her full credit for effort? She has to be consistent. Maybe if she keeps doing so she’ll come around. Unfortunately, this is probably not the case. Some might be tempted to diagnose Jordan with oppositional defiant disorder (ODD) or pathological demand avoidance (PDA) or simply call her lazy or defiant. Inevitably, someone at a meeting about her will ask, “Is she autistic?” But all of these are just descriptors if we don’t understand her behavior in context. To move toward helping Jordan be accountable for her behavior and thus gain agency, we need to understand her struggle. As teachers, educators, and therapists, we often assume that giving a consistent reward for the performance of a specified task will allow a child to learn. However, three things are missing for Jordan:and the consequence (1) skill development, (2) the ability to make a connection between her behavior and the grade, and (3) the ability to regulate her emotions in the moment. Skill Development Jordan's executive functioning skills are not developed to the point that she can consistently activate them. The task of the writing assignment requires several different executive functioning skills, including initiation and emotional control. The existence of a reward does not teach a skill; it only teaches compliance. Compliance is not always a bad thing. We can’t work with others if we never comply, but she won’t be able to make a decision about whether or not to comply without the skill. Her perception is that she cannot complete the task. Even if everyone else thinks she can and has seen her do so before, Jordan does not see it that way. As a result, the offer or denial of a reward, including positive verbal feedback, will not reinforce the skill. Rather, it will reinforce a sense of helplessness and make the unwanted behaviors more likely to recur. If her prefrontal cortex is overwhelmed, there is no amount of reward or punishment; coaxing or cajoling; kindness or persuasion; that will make that skill manifest. Behaviors and Consequences In addition to skill, Jordan needs to connect the behavior (doing or not the work) with the consequence (the grade) if the effort grade is to be an incentive. Not only does she need to place a value on getting a good grade, she also needs to be able to cognitively understand that the behavior will lead to a positive feeling, i.e., a sense of validation as a result of that grade. A confluence of thoughts, behaviors, and feelings is required if the effort grade is to serve its intended purpose of rewarding her for effort. A child with ADHD has what Russel Barkley calls a very short “time horizon.” In this instance Jordan is living in the now and therefore cannot place value on a reward or punishment that is abstract and in the future. She may be able to explain why it might be important to get a good grade, but the grade does not matter enough in the moment for her to make the connection. Emotion In addition to making a cognitive connection, she needs to also be aware of her emotional reaction. She is not yet able to regulate her emotions in this situation. She is frustrated, and one of the best things we as parents, educators, or other professionals can do in a situation like that is validate the emotional reaction. Often we are tempted to try to alleviate a child’s frustration by trying to convince them that it is not warranted. “I’ve seen you do this before. You’re good at it.” “All you have to do is try.” This is a well-meaning reaction that comes from a desire to help the child and protect them from pain. However, in doing so we deny them the right to their frustration. If we are to help them learn to manage and regulate their emotions, we need to validate their frustration by naming it and accepting it. It is easy to let their frustration with themselves become our frustration with ourselves as teachers, educators, or parents. When we do so, we inadvertently reinforce their negative view of themselves and perpetuate a cycle of failure. We also miss out on an opportunity to connect with the child around our own vulnerabilities. Accountability If I had a nickel for every time someone responded to the above description by suggesting that a child exhibiting these behaviors needs to be held accountable, I’m pretty sure I would have at least five dollars. And I completely agree. The point is we need to think, “What are they accountable for?” Are they accountable for simply complying or do we want to hold them accountable for learning the skills and learning to regulate themselves? One common mistake is to assume that if we help a child with something that we want them to do independently, they will learn that they don’t have to do the task. This often comes up around the ability of a child to hand in homework. It seems so simple. Can’t they do it? Well, if you’re working with a gifted child, the complex is simple and the simple is complex. And they cannot get to the complex stuff if they cannot have help with the simple. Helping them with a skill they have ot learned yet will not reinforce dependence. The opposite is true. Giving a consequence for something they cannot do yet will reinforce helplessness. It won’t make them learn the skill. But can’t they just hand in their @$&*-ing homework? Maybe or maybe not. That needs to be evaluated. But in any case it’s not about giving them less accountability, it is making them accountable more frequently for smaller parts of the skill, and, in cases where that is not practical, we need to scaffold that skill. That is, we may need to find alternatives to trying to force them to remember to turn in their homework. Someone Else Is Frustrated; Someone Else is Vulnerable; Someone Else Needs Some TLC In addition to addressing the frustration and vulnerability of a learner, we also have to come to terms with our own frustration and vulnerability. When I used to teach and a student was not getting something, I would absorb their frustration and question my own teaching skills. At some level, I thought I must be doing something wrong, and I would translate that into frustration with the students. In addition to modeling things like respect, healthy life choices, and appropriate language, it is important that we model validating our own emotions. Unconsciously, the learners will pick up on our emotional state, which is a direct result of our self-awareness around our own vulnerabilities as learners, parents, and teachers. We can also show them that when we engage in a process, even if it does not look like we are putting in effort, we are in fact holding ourselves accountable. This is true even when we fail. We need to start to see our own sense of failure as a signal that we care and take care of our own vulnerability. So go ahead and give yourself an Eff for Effort and try to enjoy the journey. By Kristin Cotts, MA, LPC References Barkley, Russell. (10 Aug., 2023). ADHD & Time Blindness. Keavney, Noah. (Oct., 2024). Photo credit: Squeak Wants to Be Happy.

The debate around “best practice” and “evidence based practice” has always perplexed me. I remember a discussion question in graduate school for my counseling degree asking if we thought “evidence based practice” had merit...